A relapse, for me, begins when something bad happens whether I bring it on myself or not. I get scared and I stop feeling. Not only do I stop feeling, but I stop functioning... I no longer go outside, see my friends, socialize, eat, buy groceries, do laundry, check the mail or read the news. I shut down completely and I tend to sleep around like a slut. I lose a lot of weight and I usually stop going to whatever job I have. That's why, since I moved out in February 2010, I've had four or five jobs. It's like I can't keep anything stable in my life. If I were to psycho-analyze myself, pipe in hand, I'd say, "Well, that's because I've never had stability in my life at all."
And that's true. But stability is what I long for. All of my goals are based on stability. It is a core factor in my daydreams.
The only thing spectacular about my relationship with Morris is that, at 13 months, it was the longest one I'd ever had. We broke up because he couldn't trust me and I couldn't take his addiction to video games. I really fucked him over. I couldn't feel anything so I didn't care what I did. The last time I saw him, it was three in the morning in the hall of our apartment. I was holding Oliver in my arms and crying. Morris took Oliver from me, lit a cigarette, and grunted, "Bye."
I asked for a hug, he gave me one with one arm and left. And I felt nothing. I was crying because he took Oliver.
Then my descent began. I still couldn't feel for four or five months; I got evicted in August and left 90% of my stuff behind.
Today, I am couch surfing. I have Kato and two suitcases. I have held one job since my eviction and I quit for some stupid reason. Now I have plans to run away again.
It's only when I write this shit down that I see myself repeating the same patterns over and over again. Throughout all of my journals, it's been this guy that and that guy this. It's gotten to the point where I can no longer trust my own feelings, if I even have them, for fear that they might have some hidden agenda.
Why do I feel the need to run away all the time?
I could tell you that this time it's different. Yes, it's for a guy. Yeah. I met him online.
How long have I known him? Five months.
How old is he? Ten years older than me.
Where does he live? 1,000 miles away in Arkansas.
These are the questions people ask me. Not, "What's his name?" Not, "Does he treat you well?" Not, "Are you in love with him?"
Can you fall in love with someone within five months of knowing them, from 1,000 miles away?
If there is a such thing as soulmates, how do you know when you've found yours?
Would you uproot your entire life for a gut feeling?
Because right now, this is my life: I sit in a tiny blue room all day long. It's causing both Kato and me emotional distress. I stare at the computer all day until I get tired. I write and draw, and sometimes I see my two remaining friends, Eric and Jordan.
That's it. That's all I do.
This is what gives my life meaning:
When all you have to stay for can just as easily come with you, it's kind of hard to sit in isolation and come up with reasons why you should keep torturing yourself when freedom is right at your door.
Let me tell you some things about Scott. Hands down, he is my favorite person. Before him, I had never met someone I could talk to 24/7 for months at a time and still find interesting (and if I had, who's to say that person would still find me interesting, too?). Good things like Scott aren't supposed to happen to bad people like me.
He brings out the silly, stupid romantic in me. He inspires me to draw, write, and tackle the things I want to do. He matches me in every way possible, and he makes me happy without even trying.
I am an atheist, but I could almost believe we were made for each other. We have similar goals, morals, and viewpoints on controversial issues. We enjoy the same weird shit and we have a healthy appreciation for each other's unique interests.
We take super attractive pictures.
I spent ten days with him in November, from the 9th to the 19th, and it felt more natural than anything I've ever done in my life. I am not worried about whether we're going to get married and have kids or whether we'll be together forever, because I don't care about that right now. I'm just happy being with him.
And, yes. Scott treats me well.
Yes. I am in love with him.
No. I do not think I am making the wrong decision. The predictable decision, maybe. Of course I would run away again and put all my money on another guy.
But is that what this is? If Scott is just another guy, then why does he bring out sides of me I've never seen before? Why am I so drawn to him whereas with the others I just desperately clawed at the idea of being with them?
For the first time in my life, I don't feel the need to analyze and over-analyze every little thing my significant other does. I don't feel the need to be someone I'm not. I don't feel the need to pretend to have emotions I don't have.
I'm moving in less than two weeks, on December 18th. I'm bringing my whole world with me, and I don't know for sure that everything will be okay.
But if you had nothing to lose, would you risk it?
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